Shedding the Habit of Unkindness

In my parents’ home, away from the warmth of my grandmother’s kindness, I was immersed in a culture of sarcasm. Sarcasm was the standard mode of getting along with each other in my family. No one thought sarcasm was unkind. Rather, it was a sign of wit and engagement. It was how a person fit into the family.

Rarely accomplished what I thought it would

By the time I left my parents’ home, sarcasm was imprinted on me and leaked out of every sentence I spoke. Out in the world, I discovered that sarcasm as a method of communication rarely accomplished what I thought it would. It did not break the ice, it did not diffuse tension, it did not make a point well, it did not always win a debate, and in most cases, it did not unite me with others. Instead, sarcasm damaged my ability to connect with others, leaving an extensive emotional burn zone around me, on the other side of which were a growing number of people who doubted my sincerity and feared to talk to me.

Rude and condescending

The danger of sarcasm is that it alienates people and can hurt them. The turning point came when someone called me rude and condescending. Their accusation caused me to take an honest look at how I was presenting myself, and I came to the painful realization that I was indeed rude and condescending. I had always been. I began to see how sarcasm is unkind to both the one who uses it and those it is used on. I did not know how to stop it immediately. Rather, I struggled like a person trying to quit smoking—I wrestled daily, sentence by sentence, to strip mischief from my communication and suppress my sarcastic automatic reflexes.

I could not manage to quit sarcasm completely all at once.

When I relapsed, I would tell myself that there is a time and place for everything, and that witty sarcasm can come out safely now and then—for example, when I am among close friends or with colleagues. It was how I coped with not succeeding at the amazingly difficult task of shedding the unkindness of sarcasm. Sometimes I was simply too lazy to find a more beautiful way to express myself and found it convenient to slip back into familiar modes of speaking. Nevertheless, I kept at it, and little by little, I was able to shed my reliance on sarcasm. I got to see how sarcasm could negatively affect people, and I got to see how they could thrive without it.

Intended to hurt

The Greek word that is the origin of our word sarcasm means to tear flesh, and generally, definitions of the word point to the intent to hurt. Sarcasm brings tears to my eyes now and a dull, sick feeling when I witness other people using it, or when I sense it wanting to heave out of my mouth again after all these years of turning my back on it.

I feel the same hurt and disappointment when I read message boards and comments sections on the internet where sarcasm and blatant rudeness seem to be the typical ways people who don’t know each other engage. I withdraw from adding my Ordinary Kindness comments and remain quiet, not because I have nothing to say, but because I have not yet found a way to express myself that is consistent with kindness. Until I can say what I want to say kindly, I try not to say anything.

From Ordinary Goodness, The Surprisingly Effortless Path to Creating a Life of Meaning and Beauty

by Edward Viljoen